SHE'S SO SMALL!!!!

Guys......I GOT TO HOLD MY BABY GIRL!!!!!!! :):):):) MY HEART IS SO FULL OF JOY AND HAPPINESS!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!! :):):):) 

Not going to lie, I was SO nervous and overwhelmed to go today and see her. I was worried about my emotions and how I was going to react to seeing Ira for the first time in such a long time. I was concerned with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to take it emotionally seeing her with all the tubes and IVs all over her, and not being able to do anything about it. 

When I saw her, I'm not even kidding, everything changed immediately! I was actually a little scared of her. She was SO SMALL!! She was smaller than I remember, and MUCH smaller than what all the pictures I've gotten and seen make her look! She definitely doesn't look like most premature babies and she's actually a little bigger than some of the other babies who have been in the NICU longer than her, but still she is just so small. I realized then that it was good that she is where she is because I wouldn't be able to take care of her like she needs. So for that I am so thankful for the nurses and doctors at Cincinnati Children's who can take care of her better than what I can right now. When they told me I could hold her, I'm not even kidding my eyes filled with tears, and the smile on my face was so big, it actually hurt! lol It took two nurses to get her, all the tubes and everything else ready for Ira to even be transferred over to my chest. The feeling came over my body the very second that Ira touched me was indescribable!! It was the best feeling ever! Finally, I got to hold my little girl! It was much needed for me, for my emotions, my postpartum, and the severe guilt I've been having about not being able to be there with her. I still struggle daily with the horrible guilty feelings I have because of not being able to be there with her. The healing process from this second caesarean is much more painful and will take longer to heal from than what the first did, and I want to make sure that I heal correctly so when the time comes that Ira can come home, I am healthy enough to take care of her. Linden coming today was much harder than expected because for the first time, Ira is completely alone. She has no family there, no mommy and no daddy. The most painful feeling ever. Thankfully I have the online website the NICU has provided for us to watch her with, and she has been moving her arms, lips and trying to open her eyes ever since we left the hospital. It's hard seeing that because I feel like I am missing out on the little milestones Ira is making, but I have to keep reminding myself that at this point I have another child that needs her mommies attention as well, and Ira doesn't need my attention the same way that Ada does right now. So, if I could ask for any prayers right now, I'd ask that you pray that Ira finally poops, so the next phase in this medical journey can start and for me. My severely hurting mom heart that so badly wishes I could be cloned and be with both daughters at the same time. Thank you to all those who have been praying for not only my girls and Linden, but me as well. I knew going into this and knowing Ira being in the NICU would be hard, but honestly I didn't know it would be quit this hard. But, even with the sadness I often feel, today was much needed and honestly did make my heart SO happy. I know there were many of you praying for me today, praying that I got to hold Ira, and praying that today was just want our family needed, so thank you! Our prayers were answered today!

Here are some pictures we took from today! If you can see, I brought Ira her 'Coming Home' onesie and taped it to her incubator for her to always remember, that God has fearfully and wonderfully made her perfectly! <3